i have forgotten what my own laughter sounds like
do you remember the times you said “no more”
started using family heirlooms as ashtrays and
spilling your soul into a coffee cup and a cigarette
tying knots in ropes and pressing your fingers firmly
against the edge of a rose-handled knife
between shining bursts of euphoria
and a few days later forgetting it all
beginning again and ignoring the
poison you have left in your path
your body is a house of mirrors,
your eyes a starless void,
and your lips a cavern of lies
i said “i’m going to kill myself” and you giggled.
the very thought, like water, spilled into your ear and flowed right through the part of your brain that was too busy thinking about next saturday, until it cascaded out of the side of your head and became a puddle on the concrete.
i dragged my finger through it, spread it around with the toe of my shoe and watched as it disappeared from the outside in, evaporating in the fervid sun.
i knew i shouldn’t have told you.
you smelled like cigarette smoke and it made me feel nauseous but - you were there, on the front porch step, and my lips were numb like the rest of me and i couldn’t keep it in any longer.
i think i was kidding. i started to think again and i got scared but then, after a moment of silence, i giggled too - imagining you, trying in vain to recall what we talked about on that front porch step 3 months or a year from now when i am a ghost, whispering in your ear about next saturday.
white walls, green floors,
rhythmic beeps, pine doors
this is my church
this is my home
keep me here
safe and alone
needles nestled in my veins
silence ideological pains
changing the colour of my miserable brain
keep me here
i’ve gone insane
i wish someone would burn me alive and throw my ashes in some bristol bay. scatter some on cassie’s bench just to be cliche. throw a few in a church pew, just in case a god lives there. if he’s hungry for my soul, i have a bit to spare. it hurts to breath and it hurts to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep. the more you take the less you care, the more you take, the less you’re there. whoever thought a tiny stone would make me feel so much less alone? throw it up and start again, burn it down, pick up the pen. mirror mirror on the wall, let me die in this bathroom stall. mirror mirror on the wall, am i really here at all? ghost boy, ghost girl, let us out of this cruel world. jesus mary mother of god, pray for us hard and pray for us long, i think we’re already half gone. holy spirit, can you hear it? dead girl hanging from the ceiling. hail mary full of grace, my body takes up too much space. if i should die before i wake, dump my body in a lake. swimming with fishes, stupid last wishes, dead girl sending you ashen kisses. drugged out princess, making such a big mess, you were high when you wrote this and it doesn’t even make sense.
i want to be a secret
i don’t you to see me
i don’t want you to understand me
or the things i do
i just want to hide from you
i want to go somewhere beautiful and i also want to die
i want to pop a pill and feel nothing for a few hours
i want to kill myself in front of everybody i know
I don’t like the smell of smoke but I’m going to inhale every pack of cigarettes I can find until I faint and my lungs turn black
I don’t like to drive but I think I might get in my car and press on the accelerator and hit the nearest tree as hard as I can
I don’t like the taste of alcohol but I want to drink bottle after bottle until I pass out in a pool of my own vomit
I don’t like how food makes me feel but I’m going to eat everything in the kitchen and throw it all back up until tears pour from my eyes and I spit blood and bile
I don’t like the sting of razors but I don’t mind the blood dripping down my arms
I want to show you how much I want to die
I love your writing. It's as if you looked into my soul and put on paper whatever you found. Thank you.@lexving-deactivated20120930
Oh god this is so lovely, thank you for the beautiful compliment ♡